Information about: BDSM + S&M + taboo sexual fantasies

sub/dom dynamics and basic stuff about s/m play, consent and being safe

I have seen a lot of misinformed opinions being thrown around - people who don't have experience and knowledge about these things claiming moral superiority by villanizing bdsm practices; or even worse - misrepresenting them, showing them to be something they are not. Preaching these kinds of views (claiming that kinks are wrong and bad, they're are being taught self-hate and normalization of abuse under the false flag of bdsm) is not only harmful to them but also to anyone else who comes across them in hopes to learn about these kinds of dynamics.

Sex is different for everyone. Abuse is not OK in any shape or form. BDSM is not abuse. Here is why:

- if at any time anyone involved feels like they are being harmed against their will, then this experience is no longer consentual.

BDSM is all about consent. Without consent - its not BDSM. Its abuse.

Everyone seems to be aware of the PLAY - be it roleplay, staging of situations - in a sub/dom dynamic relationship. What people seem not to be aware of is AFTERCARE. Aftercare is, very simply, the time you and your partner take after play to recover and also to see to each other’s emotional and physical needs. Certain roleplays and kinks can be physically and psychologically taxing.

Play and Aftercare are two parts of one whole. You can't have one without the other. Aftercare is as much important as the play itself.

masochism/sadism is usually at the core of submissive/dominant relationships. As such pain and humiliation - punishment both physical and mental - would be involved as that is what masochism and sadism is about. One person feels pleasure inflicting those things while the other feels pleasure having those things inflicted upon them - all this in a concentual sexual setting which involves mutual trust and respect.

Relationships like dom/sub or anything involving kinks NEED care, consent, trust and respect. Without those - that is not a healthy and good bdsm relationship. You can't have that kind of interaction without it because then it's not a kink - it's just abuse.

It's a common misconceptions that the person playing the dominant role would be cold and abusive outside of play. Good doms are usually extremely caring and perceptive - leading and making sure the play is good for the submissive while being constantly aware and keeping things safe.
Taking care of your sub should be your first priority as a dom. Knowing their kinks, giving them what they need and after it giving them care and comfort because they did so well, carrying their part of the play (that is aftercare).
As a sub you should be able to completely trust your dom, because you leave yourself completely in their hands and control. You should make sure that you feel safe as your first priority in any s/m play.

If anything feels unsafe or its not something you want or like - you should say so and decline the play. Communication is the core of concent.

In the end s/m, dom/sub, bdsm relations is all about a play of power. Give and take. Having control vs giving up control. It's a partnership the same way any other relationship is. And it's a partnership that NEEDS trust and care to work.

I hope this information can help you in identifying abuse easier and creating a safe space for yourself to explore your sexuality and kinks.

on taboo sexual fantasies

Do not trust personal feelings of discomfort when it comes to whether some sexual fantasies are "normal"/"healthy" or not.

Believe the research. Believe the experts (psychologists, therapists, sexologists, etc).

"I find this gross" is not proof that something is bad or unhealthy.

SOURCE: [ Healthline ] The 7 Most Common Sexual Fantasies and What to Do About Them

Fantasies are completely normal - everyone has sexual fantasies. A lot of people may feel ashamed of their turn ons and inner erotic thoughts, but no matter what the fantasy is, it's completely normal! The more we talk sexual fantasy and normalize the conversation, the less we’ll beat ourselves up for having these thoughts.

Sadism and masochism (S&M) and bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission (BDSM) make up the second most popular fantasy. BDSM is basically about the consensual exchange of power in a sexual or nonsexual situation. The idea of being sexually submissive can be arousing to people who are always in control outside of the bedroom. And the idea of being in control can be hot due to the taboo nature of rough sex and the sense of authority.

Daddy/step-daughter, professor/student, boss/employee roleplay falls into this category. So does taboo, forbidden sex and “forced sex”. In and out of the bedroom, we want what we can’t have. It's the way our brain works. Any sexual relationship or act that could get us into trouble or be seen as weird or forbidden or gross in real life, can be a turn on. 

SOURCE: [ Psychology Today ] Why Are "Rape Fantasies" So Common?

In the book Tell Me What You Want, which is based on a survey of more than 4,000 Americans’ sex fantasies, the author explores this subject. 

It was found that a number of personality and other factors were correlated with having frequent forced sex fantasies. Here’s a look at some of the patterns:

• People with overactive imaginations and those who reported fantasizing the most often were more likely to fantasize about forced sex, which tells us that—for some people—these fantasies may be nothing more than the product of a wandering mind. These folks tend to have a wider range of fantasy content simply because they have active imaginations.
• People with an unrestricted sociosexual orientation had more forced sex fantasies. In other words, these fantasies are more common among those who see sex and emotion as separable. In other words, these fantasies may sometimes stem from an ability to distinguish physical sex acts from love and other emotions.
• Persons with a history of sexual victimization were more likely to report forced sex fantasies. It’s important to note that not everyone with these fantasies has a history of victimization. That said, some people with a history of victimization try to take control of a previous experience over which they had no control because, in these fantasies, it is the fantasizer who is in control.
  
• etc.

As you can see, forced sex fantasies have a rich psychology behind them and people may have these fantasies for wildly different reasons. In many cases, these fantasies don’t have a deeper meaning beyond someone just having an active imagination, a desire for sexual thrills, or a penchant for domination and submission. However, in other cases, they may have their roots in coping with trauma.

if you're interested to learn more here is a very helpful thread that you can look through:
🧵 Thread of articles and research on taboo sexual fantasies 🧵